If you want to improve your relationship or prevent it from deteriorating, it is worth taking a look at some empirical findings from relationship science, an interdisciplinary field of research that has made considerable progress in recent decades. Of course, research findings are always preliminary, and new studies may come to different conclusions. However, if we look at the reasonably reliable knowledge, we can derive some strategies that may also help your relationship. On average, relationship satisfaction deteriorates over the years. Our partners change, and we change. Disappointments accumulate, anger builds up, and boredom sets in. What we once found so attractive in our partner gets lost in the daily routine. But you can counteract this without spending a lot of time or having to coordinate with your partner. You alone can do something and achieve a big effect with small impulses („love hacks“). On the one hand, such impulses can improve your conflict management skills—and it is your behavior in conflicts that distinguishes successful relationships from failed ones. On the other hand, such impulses can revitalize your relationship. 

Let's first look at how you can change your conflict behavior. You may resign yourself to interpreting the problems in your relationship as a sign that you are simply not compatible. In the beginning, you may have believed, in a romantic idealization, that you had found your perfect partner through a happy twist of fate. But such a belief is quickly shattered when the inevitable disappointments and arguments strain the relationship. Why work on the relationship if we don't seem to be made for each other? This increases the risk of separating from each other. The inevitable conflicts in a partnership can be viewed differently if you see them as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to deepen your partnership, an opportunity to learn more about yourself. So ask yourself: How do I perceive conflicts in my partnership? 

Every relationship is more or less conflict-laden. But conflicts do not necessarily have to damage a relationship. Try to look at the conflicts in your relationship from the perspective of an uninvolved, neutral third party who means well for you and your partner. How would this person think about the conflict that is currently taking place? What could be the good that could come out of the conflict from this perspective? As a comparative experiment involving 130 couples over a period of two years shows, it makes a difference when couples are able to view their conflicts from the perspective of an uninvolved third party. Just try it out and see if a well-meaning outside perspective on your conflicts can also stop the downward trend in your relationship.

How you interpret your partner's behavior in a given situation can have a huge impact on your relationship. When our partner behaves in a certain way, such as not keeping an appointment, we look for reasons for this behavior. If we think that our partner was once again thoughtless and that our date means nothing to them, this has a different effect than assuming that it was due to stress at work. We can never know the exact motives behind our partner's actions, but we can perceive them in different ways (in technical terms, this is called attribution, or the interpretation of behavior). If we mistakenly assume bad motives, this can easily trigger an escalating conflict. If you are generally confident that your partner means well, despite all their weaknesses and mistakes, then it is beneficial for your relationship to assume good intentions when in doubt about certain behavior that annoys you. Specifically, this means that if you become angry because of a certain behavior, take a deep breath and consider what possible explanations there might be for this behavior.

If your partner does something positive for you, such as giving you a surprise gift, you can interpret this in different ways—as an apology for a previous argument, as an expression of their generous appreciation, or because their mother keeps telling them that they should give you gifts sometimes. If you interpret your partner's behavior as an expression of affection and generosity, rather than assuming other motives, it will have a positive effect on your relationship. 

If you want to improve the emotional relationship with your partner, some experiments show that there is a “booster shot”: gratitude. Spending a few minutes in the evening thinking about what your partner has done for the relationship can make us feel grateful—and also happy. Gratitude and its expression in small gestures elicit positive reactions; indeed, this can set in motion a cycle of reciprocal gratitude.

Celebrate together when one of you or both of you have experienced something positive. Research shows that you will feel closer, more intimate, and happier in your relationship. This applies not only to the partner who shares the happy news, but also to the one who listens. This is especially true when the listener not only listens quietly, but also shows their own enthusiasm and lets their partner know: I realize how important it is for you what you are telling me. 

Research also suggests that gentle touches or hugs are another small step with a big impact. Such empathetic physical contact allows partners to see each other in a different light, strengthening trust and security. This even applies when both partners know that such touches are not a spontaneous expression of affection. Touch increases the release of the bonding hormone oxytocin.

Small things with a big impact can help stabilize your relationship. But a satisfying, joyful partnership requires more—above all, time together and attention for each other. Couples who take more time to talk to each other tend to be happier than couples who devote little time to communication. Communicate with each other—in a way that allows you to learn more about your partner's inner world. Those who open up to each other about their feelings and reveal more about themselves create closeness and improve the quality of their relationship. Be approachable, respond to your partner's needs, take an interest in what is going on in their life, show respect for what is important to them, and be loving and attentive. Of course, this is not always easy. But the more a couple succeeds in listening attentively to each other, empathizing with each other, and supporting each other, the more likely the partnership will become not only a safe haven to which they like to return, but also a secure base that makes it easier to explore new things and grow.

Research has also shown that shared activities reduce the risk of separation. Do things together that are new, exciting, and fun for both of you. This will keep your relationship fresh and alive. Think together about what it could be that might appeal to both of you and allow you to escape from your daily routine. Couples who experience new, exciting things together that both enjoy tend to be happier with their relationship. 

Sources: 

Eli J. Finkel, The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work, New York: Dutton  2017.

Theresa DiDonato/Brett Jakubiak, The Science of Romantic Relationships, Cambridge: Cambridge University Press 2024.

Es mag zunächst künstlich klingen, was Ihnen viele Paartherapeuten raten: Verwenden Sie Ich-Botschaften, wenn Sie Ihrer Partnerin oder Ihrem Partner mitteilen möchten, was Sie gerade an seinem oder ihrem Verhalten stört oder nervt. Wenn Sie etwa sagen „Du schaust schon wieder auf Dein Handy, wenn ich mit Dir rede“, wird das bestenfalls zu einer Rechtfertigung oder zur Verteidigung führen, schlimmstenfalls zum Auftakt eines eskalierenden Konflikts. Wenn Sie aber sagen „Ich fühle mich frustriert, wenn Du auf das Handy schaust, während wir reden“, hört sich das für Ihre Partnerin oder Ihren Partner schon anders an. Noch besser wäre es, wenn Sie hinzufügen, was Ihr Bedürfnis ist: „Ich brauche jetzt Deine Aufmerksamkeit, mir ist es wichtig, was ich Dir sagen möchte.“ Nicht jeder Satz, der mit Ich beginnt, ist eine Ich-Botschaft, mit der Sie Ihre Gefühle in einer bestimmten Situation ausdrücken. Ein Satz wie etwa „Ich habe das Gefühl, Du hörst mir nie zu“ ist nichts anderes als ein Vorwurf, der Ihren Partner oder Ihre Partnerin nahezu automatisch in den Angriff- oder Rückzugsmodus versetzt. Eine Ich-Botschaft, die den Austausch auch über schwierige Themen erleichtert, hat eine einfache Formel: Ich fühle X, wenn Y passiert oder „Ich habe X gefühlt, als Du Y in der Situation Z getan hast“.  Das klingt alles einfach, ist es aber nicht, wenn Sie erregt, gar wütend über etwas sind, was Ihre Partnerin oder Ihr Partner gesagt oder getan hat. Ich-Botschaften brauchen Übung. Je mehr es Ihnen gelingt, Störendes und Konflikthaltiges auf eine solche Weise anzusprechen, desto besser für Ihre Beziehung.

It is not always easy to apologize, to admit that you have behaved wrongly. And it's not so easy to apologize properly, to take responsibility for your own actions and to keep the needs and feelings of the injured partner in mind. A quick “I'm sorry”, with which you would prefer to settle the matter, is not enough. Apologies can strengthen a relationship. But a real apology is more than just saying “I want to apologize”.  Expressing the wish for an apology is not a real apology. Especially not if it is followed by the sentence “But I didn't mean or intend it that way” or another justification that invalidates the apology. If you really mean it with your apology, you must not weaken the responsibility for your behavior, but say clearly: “I apologize for my behavior X that hurt/offended/saddened you.” In this way, you communicate that you have understood what it was specifically that hurt your partner. This will make them feel understood. And make it clear that you will make an effort to refrain from the hurtful behavior in the future. Think about what you can do to make amends and ask what you can do. But don't push for your partner to forgive you. Express your hope that he or she will forgive you. And give yourself the space and time to do so. Because it's not about you feeling good and being able to put the matter behind you. Rather, it's about letting your partner know in a sincere way how much you care about them.

Perhaps, like many couples, you are reluctant to talk about sex.  This is not unusual. According to studies, even in long-term relationships, partners are only partially aware of each other's sexual preferences. Some couples even prefer to break up rather than talk about sex.

It doesn't get any easier when questionable notions of a “normal” sex life prevail, for example that the frequency of sex is an expression of a happy relationship. In many cases, ideas about sexuality are shaped in such a way that the shared orgasm is the only goal worth striving for, an idea that can easily put couples under pressure. As one American sex therapist put it: “Orgasm? Optional. But pleasure is required.” Another questionable idea is often conveyed in movies: sexual desire is spontaneous. This is by no means always the case for everyone. Desire often arises reactively, which is quite normal. Just as normal as the fact that couples are not on the same wavelength and that sexual desire is expressed differently, regardless of gender. Sex is not that simple. If couples want to have good sex over the years and communication with the body is not working, then there is often no way around talking about it. But before you scare your partner by announcing “We need to talk about sex”, try a different way to start the conversation: “I know it's not easy for us to talk about our sex life, but I think it's very important for our relationship to talk about it.” Or: “Our relationship is important to me and I want sex to be a part of it (again). How do you feel about that?”

You have probably experienced it: words can act as an accelerant when you get into a conflict with your partner. If you want to steer clear of this, there are certain words and phrases you should avoid. If you say to your partner, "You always do this" or "You never do that," you can be pretty sure that this generalization and exaggeration will cause your partner to go into defense and justification mode - and the two of you will get into a heated argument. If you want to avoid this, stick to the problem at hand - and leave out the generalized review of your relationship history.

Another phrase can be just as inflammatory: "Yes, but..."  „Yes, I forgot this and that, but you're also forgetting things that are important to me“. The "but" devalues the agreement with what the other person has said. Your partner will feel misunderstood. It is better to try a response that shows real understanding - and interest in what is on your partner's mind.

There is another verbal accelerant that you should avoid if you care about your relationship: telling your emotionally upset partner that he or she is overreacting and should calm down. You are likely to have the opposite effect. Who wants to hear the presumptuous assessment that their own emotional reaction is overblown and inappropriate? And in all experience, saying "calm down" will have the opposite effect. At best, your partner will feel misunderstood; at worst, he or she will be furious at being labeled crazy. It's better to ask your partner what you need right now and what you can do. This could be an emphatic listening, a hug, or even advice. Just ask.

Perhaps you are middle-aged, have been in a relationship for a long time, perhaps you have children who are now growing up and going their own way. Together with your partner, you have overcome many a crisis, but the closeness you once felt has fallen victim to everyday life. Perhaps you are wondering how your relationship should continue now, what still holds you both together, how you want to develop together. It is not without reason that separations and divorces are no longer so rare among older couples. If you are at such a point and are asking yourself how we should continue, then it is time for two things. Firstly, take a look back at the characteristics and qualities that once attracted you to each other. Think about the emotional foundations of your relationship. Secondly, look ahead and let your imagination run wild together: What dreams, what goals do we have, what projects can we develop together? Not all dreams may come true, but it can strengthen your relationship if you see it as a place where you can share dreams with each other. If you have children, you will have thought a lot together about how to parent and how you both behave in your role as models for your little ones. This role modeling doesn't end just because your children grow up. You may therefore ask yourself: What can our children learn from our relationship? What can we teach our children by example about how we manage conflict despite our flaws or how we keep our relationship alive?